Tossing stones
Into nearby lakes,
Full of bones.
Here are the mistakes.
Sand falls thin
Through the glass,
Of time and sin.
Let opertunity pass.
Chains hold me tight
Weighting me down,
Heeding me from my flight.
Sick of the newer but old town.
Emotions bounce inside me
Waiting for them to espcape,
let somone see.
Let it be heard(seen) like a landscape.
Life starts out with a name. It's like a tradition of naming the child you brought to the world. My name was Caylin. It still is legally but not to me. I am Laria now. Same person just different name. How did this happen? Why?
Well all my life no one could pronounce my name. Not even my own mom. Its pronounced Kay-Lynn. My mom say Kay-lon. And everyone else says Kaitlynn. It bothered me more than anything that no one could call me by my actual name. It made me feel insignificant. Like I never mattered enough to anyone for them to actually try to get my name right.
To me Caylin never existed. I was just the nameless daughter. So I began trying to name myself. I tried Caylie and ive tried using my middle name Deanne. But it never worked because both of those names are so common im just another name. I am special and I deserve a name of my own. One I can be proud to have and love.
During my freshman year of highschool I gave up on social life and isolated myself entirely. I opened up a blank journal and just began writing. I had no idea what was going to happen in what I was writing. I just wrote and wrote. Every change I got i wrote. When I was home I would write for hours, before class, after class, after a test or quiz, before school and even during lunch.
Before long the book I was writing became my entire life. The main charater's name was Laria Grumblenook. That is all I will say about that because I will publish that book one day. The book is called The Shadow Protector.
When I rewrote the book that summer before sophomore year to make the book better, I noticed that the main charater was me. The me on the inside. The me I was never able to show anyone because I was locked away. The book was my only way to break free. To chase after what I desperately dreamed of. To live my life.
So from then on, starting sophmore year, I went by Laria. Only my closest friends knew of my real name and of course the teachers. When I turned 18 and got a job I went by Laria there too. But that name doesnt appear on the schedule. Caylin does. So some girls I worked with (actually two in particular) would constantly call me Caylin even though they knew I hated that.
The only people that calls me Caylin is my family. (On my mom's side.) I am just now starting to get to know my other family from my Dad's side. They know of my name (well my two sisters do and maybe my brother?) But we are just now starting to get to know eachother and I am excited to get to know them all.
So my name is Laria and I feel like I have always been Laria deep down. She was just waiting to escape and be free. Well she is free now and mom and dad both don't like her. But soon, she will be 100% free and no longer in the chains of "the house rules".
If any of you have a name that you don't like, take a long hard think about it. Why don't you like the name? Does it seriously bother you heairng people call you that? If so, when your old enough then you can change it like I will. Just be mindful of the name you want to identify you. Make sure the name not only sounds like you, it has to be you!
So here is the story. My father was married to a woman and had 4 kids. 4 daughters and 1 son. My mom was married to a man and had 1 daughter and 1 son. Then they both got divorced and had me. They didn't marry until I turned 1 and was almost 2. I always remember how long they have been married because all I have to do is take my age and subtract 1. So as of right now they have been together for 17 good long years. I do have to say they are not the best couple ever. Not the best parents either but they try. Sometimes trying isn't enough.
While growing up I saw my older brother and sister from my moms side a whole bunch. Their names are Ashleigh and Keith. Which both already have kids. (All my sublings have kids). I knew about my other sisters and brother but I didn't know them very well. I hardly ever saw them and as a young child I would tell my friends at school I had 6 siblings but they would never believe me. Even my teacher because none of my siblings went to my school. Whenever I asked my parents about my 3 sisters and 1 brother, they would change the subject or just say they are not a good influence. As I got older I grew more and more curious about them and asking more often but my mom began saying with a hateful additude "Why you want to know them? What you want to know? Tell me? What is so important to know? They aren't the best people."
So I grew up thinking they were not the best people and it was better to not know them. I would see them from time to time for funerals and stuff and the one or two family reunions we went to; however, that's not enough to actually know the person. The saddest part for me was the fact I barely remeber my brother. Both my parents said its best to never see him ever. Dad said he never wants to even see or talk to my brother. When I ask why they just say he been to jail and has tattoos all over his body and stuff. However they would never say why he went to jail. All of my siblings have tattoos but mom and dad didn't shun them too. So I was extreamly confused by it all.
I do have one memory of him. When i was very young maybe 3 or 4 I vaguely remeber eating dinner with him and him tossing me into the air and catching me. Then we went to a store for groceries and then he spent the night. I also remebered he was helping dad on the job. (Plumbing).
And all these years later I still havent seen him. I don't know him at all. Not even over the phone. I had a face book last month but I took it down because my parents and other family on my moms side was looking too much into what I do in my life. I wasn't able to post anything about my writings without them questioning me about it. I do not see why I have to explain why I wrote some short story or not.
Recently I got in touch with one of my sisters when her home was in the path of Hurricane Irma (I think I spelled it right). I knew she lived in savannah so I asked mom and dad if she could talk to her about it. I doubt they actually did, I believe she asked them, but im not entirely sure.
I also very recently got in touch with my oldest sister and oldest sibling in fact. I'm starting to get to know her and talking alot. Im moving in with her and I am super excited by it. Ive never lived with other people before and especially not kids. Im moving there in May 2019. The same month I graduate highschool.
For anyone out there that may be in a similar situation on having family you were not allowed to know or maybe family you didn't even know about. Get to know them one day when your old enough to make your own decisions. No one can stop you. And its your judgement and yours alone if they are good or bad to be around. Never judge people by what somone else says. Im glad I am getting to know my siblings and I look forward to meeting my brother. I hope he wants to meet me too.
It is not easy being 18 and I don't mean those silly problems everyone immediately thinks about. I mean the real hard problems that comes with being 18. Like who your going to vote for? Now that you are able to buy spray paint, will you? Will you smoke just because you can, now? Will you get married to your first boyfriend? Will you get a tattoo? Well those are the problems all 18 year olds face. Some 18 year olds already answered those qustions before they even became 18. Now ontop of those problems we all have our own specific problems we face by just being us. Im 18 now and in just 5 months ill be 19. Ive never bought spray paint, never smoked or ever will, don't have a tattoo (i'd like to get one in the future), I didn't marry my boyfriend, and I did vote for the governer for georgia last November. (I won't tell anyone my support in politics because that's not why I have this blog.)
When I turned 18 my life changed. It changed into a bigger version of Hell. For 18 years I have been locked into the house. Sounds bad when I say it like that. The doors were unlocked but I was locked away with what any family calls house rules. I wasn't allowed to go outside without an adult. Not even into our fenced in backyard. Not even if my dog went with me. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends outside of school either. My entire social life was, friends at school, family at home. It's like I was living a double life. That double life never changed. Until I turned 18. I can go hang out with my best friend. I can walk my dog in the back yard. I got me a job. In fact, my first day of work was the very next day after I turned 18. Augest 20th 2018 was my first day of work. Now that im 18 there is things my parents can't hide from me anymore. Like the fact that I have a whole other family. I'll talk more about that later. My advice for anyone reading this and your 18 or soon to be 18, don't let your parents try to plan your entire life. It's your life not theirs. Don't overdo it though. I trust that you would be smart in what you rebel against and what you don't. If your not sure, then hold your tongue and stick around for more of my posts.
